Rewrite (22/08 – 18.00pm) ‘Fluorescence Illuminated’ ’ By groovyscone – Novel beginning! APPRECIATE FEEDBACK! =) *updated daily*

The beginning of, and an exert from my novel –  Fluorescence Illuminated’ – By groovyscone

KINDLY LEAVE FEEDBACK, I HAVE MADE LOADS OF CHANGES ALREADY FOLLOWING YOUR ADVICE + AND READING IT IN THE MORNING! thanks for reading ;¬)

Chapter 1

Fluorescent Black, lay awake in bed late one evening, writhing in agony as he clutched at his huge, rounded, ulcerated belly. He was beginning to become frustrated with his almost daily burden of pain and imprisonment. After the second poisoning Black had suffered in this Hozacian month, the hospital dogs had immediately assumed him dead and sent his body to the cellar to be recycled. If not for regaining consciousness and very sharp thought, Black would most certainly, (and quite literally) be dog food.

When the hospital dogs had abandoned a presumably dead, Black, atop a pile of partially decomposing, cold, undistinguishable corpses. He had awakened almost instantly; the fear distilling his senses adequately enough (despite the poison coursing through him) for cautious action. Creeping slowly to his feet, Black felt around in the murky, almost opaque corridor. Sending an old tin mop bucket scuttling across the slimy concrete floor with his left boot, he took deep, timed breathes. As Black steadily began regaining his posture, he noticed the whirring wiz of machinery echoing mechanically from an air vent overhead.

Hauling himself high up, through the metallic ventilation shaft above him, Black slid onto his belly, wriggling methodically along, inch by inch, until coming to what he sensed must be an opening. A tiny diamond shaped, ray of light, glowed reassuringly from the pinnacle of the vast space above Black’s head.  Although this tiny beam of light was flashing like a strobe, it was barely perceivable to the Hozacian eye. If not for the deafening buzz of the perpetual spinning of fans above, Black would not have noticed the lightning speed, aluminium blades circling, centimetres from tufts of his gnarled black hair.

Finding a golden green flare amongst his pack, it dawned on Black just how useful these rechargeable, illuminating flares had become. In not only emitting an overpowering fluorescence, an almost blinding light, golden green flares also excelled more than any other substance in The Randromeda Galaxy, in making the activator not only enlightened, but also filled with ecstacy, wisdom, purpose and passion for the flares duration. Although typically a flare would only last the activator approximately a Hozacian hour, for reasons unbeknown to Black, they lasted him double this time.

Black held the flare tight to his body. Finding the miniscule indentation exactly parallel to the flares handle, he found his thumb and forced it into the indentation so that a microscopic patch of his print was visible to the flares biometric scanner. Immediately the flare kicked into life, illuminating everything. Black felt elation, hope and knowledge rise through him like a dam giving way and exploding, leaving an ocean to free fall through space and time. As the shiny metal walls lit up, and the complex network of rotating, chopping fans became apparent, Black noticed a small square passageway, which prior to the flare had been in total blackness. He dodged the towering slicing blades of the overhead fans like an amphetamine hawk, and easily crawled to safety down the now illuminated, square passageway.

To be Continued….

***please note this is updated at least daily, please check back if you like =)

Thanks for reading =)

This is the beginning segment of my novel, that I decided to write about a year ago, and I acually started about 2 days ago.  This is the reason I started my blog in the first place. To mix with likeminded people, and see what I can learn from the incredibly talented amazing’s out there.  ‘Like Jazz’ is a temporary title, until one evolves, because due to the advice of one of the groovier people out there, I have decided to freestyle my novel completely. At least initially anyway… So, no character development anywhere except my head, no plot, completely improvised.

I don’t have a clue if this is the best idea ever or, the opposite, only time and trial and error will tell.

AS ALWAYS I WELCOME ALL FEEDBACK, good, bad, boring, irrelevant, enlightening, guru’s, animals, dogs, hippies, vicars, surfers, chinchilla’s, duck billed platipie, its all groovy, goldfish, japanese pusher fish’s opionion will be given additional priority.

 

Peace and Love

 

Scone =)

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20 thoughts on “Rewrite (22/08 – 18.00pm) ‘Fluorescence Illuminated’ ’ By groovyscone – Novel beginning! APPRECIATE FEEDBACK! =) *updated daily*

  1. Kira says:

    Understanding this is a rough draft, and only a small part; I have to say it has promise. It is interesting enough I read through to the end and am looking forward to seeing what happens next.
    As for gripes… well I have one minor thing which took me out of the narrative. That was your mention of the character Jah Jah Bynx, which, having watched both Star Wars Trilogies strikes me as a rip off of Jar Jar Binks, which of course had me seeing that idiotic, pointless character from the films.
    Other than that, a very good beginning. I think this has the potential to be a very interesting read.

    • groovyscone says:

      Oh crumbs I see what you mean, I thought of it as Jah Bynx, addmitedly as an alternate name to the freaky star wars character, but i typed jah jah instincively presumably, your point is valid, appreciated, and will be acted upon! thanks! I kind of wrote any character ideas down in a jotter ages ago, however crappy and since decided that actually starting righting was priority of everything else! Thanks again, peace scone =)

      • Kira says:

        Well, coming up ideas and characters that may be discarded or revised later is all part of the process. Just as writing an outline leads to a rough draft, which, through revision will finally become a finished work.
        And yes, the same applies to free form writing as well, you are skipping the outline part, which I do myself, to get words on paper.. or screen as the case may be.. still the over all process is the same.
        You are doing great, just take things one page at a time and don’t over think yourself. 🙂

  2. groovyscone says:

    Thanks Kira, I won’t! I’m going to keep updating bits, writing more, and uploading onto here for now, so please check back every so often! It’s kind of a trial run for me really, to see what works best for me, bcos im not so sure an improvd novel is such a good idea for a pothead like me, not enough memory you see! this blog gives me a platform i need, as not only a motivator, but to teach me to be a better writer, and to meet brilliant like minded people who i can learn from =) Thanks and happy vibes =) Scone ;¬)

  3. Since it is a rough draft, it definitely has a chance :). But just from the first paragraph I already picked up many grammatical errors. There are also instances, such as “Black would most certainly, quite literally, be dog food” which don’t flow/don’t appear to be professional (if that is the right word).
    I also noticed that there are too many ideas/objects in one sentence: “Warily, Black, had wriggled past the mincing machines, blinded a robot guard with a quickly improvised light bulb bomb, and having escaped through a rubbish chute had collapsed abruptly, thankfully for him in eye shot of a kindly Hozacian old man who had carried the enormous, bulging, twenty-two stone, Black, slowly back to where he had arrived, unconscious to the doorway of the Accident and Emergency entrance foyer.” That is too long for a sentence lol, and there is way too much going on (machine, robot, bomb, rubbish shoot, old man (followed by three descriptions), doorway, entrance foyer). That’s all within 1 paragraph, yet alone one sentence.
    I can see, though, that you’re super excited about this piece and that’s great! Keep going, but be careful for long sentences and bunched up ideas. It’s always better if you have one idea that can mean so many other things, rather than listing out the entire surrounding area, for example. Instead of writing all of those descriptions in the beginning, you could write something like “Black had managed to escape the slices (could mean a variety of things and gives enough of a description) and the robotic figure (could be a robot, or a human who simulates a robot – ie: a braindead, follower, no thoughts of his own) through the garbage shoot.” Just the first thing that came to my head haha. Hope ya get what I mean.
    Anyways, good luck! Thanks for the response on my Tam O Shanter. Best of luck, don’t lose the excitement!

    • groovyscone says:

      Nice one, thanks I really appreciate that, I’m totally aware that my writing needs improvement in lots of ways, and I value the feedback immensely and will act on it in the course of today.

      Thanks again, I think I will give you a nudge, when I have redrafted later on this tonight, if you dont mind, so you can see what’s been changed,

      I cant believe I got that much in one senteance, shit!

      Peace and Love

      Scone =)

  4. annotating60 says:

    Well, GS it sounds as though you’ve got a beginning, which is a start.I like the title, it works as long as you stay true to the implications it has. By that I mean that though jazz is free in its form it does have rules also. I know how you hate rules, but if you are going to communicat anything in an artistic manner to anyone need to follow some precepts to allow that to take place. Flurescent Black sounds like a great character. I already get a sense of him as the ‘anti-hero’. I would suggest letting him take the lead, let ‘Black’ do what he seems to be doing best–being’himself’. If you are going to write a novel about boredom (not that you are) don’t let the writing be boring. KB

    • groovyscone says:

      Thanks =) I do plan on Black being the lead character, and running two seperate stories one from Black and one from his brother bonanza, who is elsewhere, with a rubber plan of letting their paths cross, and stories interlink somehow later on in the story,

      I appreciate the advice, I will probably re draft this again today, and repost with edits, thanks again, have a groovacious day =)

      Peace and Love

      Scone =)

  5. Not a bad start Mr Scone, I look forward to seeing the next installment 🙂

    • groovyscone says:

      Thanks Misterspliffy =) I will be posting updated versions over the coming days/weeks,

      Ace blog by the way dude, where abouts in the UK are you? (For interest not for stalking reasons, I promise!)

      Keep it groovy dude, Jah Bless

      Scone

  6. Thanks for the positive blog comment Mr Sconey. I won’t give the exact location (just in case plod is reading this!) but it’s somewhere in-between London and the South Coast of England 😉

    Are you from over the pond then?

  7. groovyscone says:

    Am I fuck mate! I’m from Skipton, North Yorkshire!

    Been living in central leeds for years but have just moved to a more rural escape, the majority of folks who look at my blog are US and Swedes strangely enough, hardly anyone from the UK,

    keep it groovy mate, peace

    Scone =)

    • Hah, no offence intended Sconey – tbh I should have guessed from the name, but as you put it – there’s a lot of yanks looking at my blog as well 😉 Rural is good my friend…there’s less plod to interfere!

      • groovyscone says:

        too right buddy! the main danger of growing in leeds, wasnt cops, it was criminal ‘grow robbing’ gangs! definately a safer bet in the middle of nowhere!

        no offence taken mate, I just love swearing!!!!

        Peace and Love

        Scone =)

  8. The Culture Muse says:

    You have a very strong vocabulary. This book might be able to make it depending on which audience you’re writing for. So I have to ask, which audience is it?

    It’s difficult for me to imagine what this place looks like so try giving a bit more detail. The second paragraph also seems a little rushed.

    You’re off to a pretty good start.

    • groovyscone says:

      Yes I agree about the second paragraph, I am in the process of rewriting it now. At the time I was very keen to write the following part of the story, as it was fresh in my head, so i kind of fit two pages into a paragraph, or perhaps a senteance,

      thanks for the feedback I appreciate it. Kindly follow to see the story develop and my writing improve!

      I will add more detail. and perhaps I will set the scene of the times, and locations, prior to the beginning of the novel, or chapter 1.

      Thanks again, peace and love

      Scone =)

    • groovyscone says:

      audience probably a fantasy/sci fi, type, I would imagine, although ultimately not set in stone =)

  9. What I have deduced thus far – (bad news always comes first) –

    1 – Your sentences are too long. If you read this out loud to yourself, not only do you stumble over the commas, but you also get a sense of breathlessness. If you take away these commas and replace them with full stops (without removing any of the content – only that which is needed to make the sentence clear) you’ll find the whole text flows better, sounds a lot more ‘professional’ and you’ll keep your reader from feeling disorientated/exhausted.

    2 – I spotted a spelling issue – breathe instead of breath near the beginning. Make sure you proofread and proofread again, otherwise you’ll find your readership loses trust in your writing ability.

    3 – I found myself ‘losing the plot’ towards the end. Perhaps it needs padding out a little more, with a more ‘showing’ rather than ‘telling’… Having an extensive vocab is GREAT, but when your audience gets confused or dazed by massive, convoluted terminology, perhaps it’s time to simplify things a bit. Less IS more. Read Fight Club if you haven’t already. Or anything by Bukowski. The evidence is out there.

    (good news always comes second) –

    1 – You have an exceptionally strong beginning. Love the way you kick things off – it’s fresh, has an original feel to it, and it intrigues me. Don’t lose this as you get carried away with yourself later on. Keep yourself, and the image, reined in tight.

    2 – Your writing style is quirky and fun. I like how you play with your words – some of it is pure poetry. This pleases me.

    Hope this helps. And please don’t take offence – being told the hard way was the only thing that got me a top degree at the end. I’ll cast an eye over your poems shortly 🙂

  10. I was hooked by the start but the story had breaks with reality immediately for me (Dog Hospital), might be an age thing, I’m 64 and never followed Star War. You write well…just saying

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